If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable.

Seneca the Younger

Welcome, today I inaugurate my daily blog in which I will try to reconstruct my brain and its unintelligible thoughts into something of coherence and enjoyment for my readers. My blog will not try at one subject or topic in specific, but rather it will be primarily influenced by my brain’s priming mechanism inspired mainly while taking a shower. Reiterating, it will be my very own shower thoughts that never made it to Reddit’s front page.

Before beginning I would like to briefly prelude with what you are to expect of my daily blog. If you want to read highly opinionated, baseless thoughts transcribed in the most bombast way possible then you’ve no better place to be. When it comes to my daily blogs, I will just write whatever I want, however I want, which will usually try to fit my pretentious narrative.

 That out of the way, let’s begin.

Today I want to talk about my goal to compromise my mental well-being. I’ve come to realize that I don’t take risks, and that my life in general is too stable, I am seldom upset, sad, angry, or genuinely excited. This comes as a surprise to me given that most of what I do- if not everything, is mostly reactive rather than meditated, this explanation makes sense though; why my lack of social skills arises from an incongruency in my ability to relate to others, rather than my lackluster communication skills, after all there are shy and socially anxious individuals who can relate to other people and thus are far better off. So, what is it then? What makes it so difficult for me to relate to others, is it my different lifestyle? Or the lack of emotions that I experience? I realized that it is both my risk-aversive personality, my moral compass and a hint Himalayan salt, rather than the experiencing of emotions (or lack thereof).

Let me explain myself, in what may seem to be the most convoluting trilemma of our century-

Most of the time I don’t have anything to conversate about, and I barely know any conversation starters- most of my interests and hobbies are very reclusive, and my thoughts and beliefs usually bring me scrutiny.

When I do have something to talk about, I am afraid to open up because I’ve never had anyone to confide in (who actually cared) and grew up being bullied most of my life, so the thought of opening up to people scares me. — This is not to be confused with being shy, or reserved, rather I can conversate with anyone fluidly, but It is hard for me to create connections with people.

I like other people but I don’t seek out to become closer to them individually (mano-a-mano) because I never had to, given that I grew up in isolation; I learned to live with myself and therefore seeking out other people doesn’t come to me naturally like it does to most others, and even when I do try to it ends up being a one-way relationship where I listen to their problems but they don’t care about mine, this is mainly my fault because servitude is engrained in my personality- and thus people’s expectations and demands increase, while their gratitude decreases. I don’t blame them, this is only intrinsic.

While I am naturally vain, I can’t bring myself to become a narcissistic sociopath and abandon my moral compass (even though I am secular) and simply manipulate people to make myself more likeable, and become someone that I am not- or at least do not believe that I am. This boils down to refusing to accept a Faustian bargain; after all- it is naturally implied that albeit the ends may justify the means, the means will influence the ends, and I want genuine relationships built on honesty and truth, not manipulation and deceit.

Lastly and certainly not least; I grow uninterested of people quickly; most people just don’t have anything of substance that I am looking for. I don’t deny that this is very pretentious and egocentric of me; after all you should not expect to be given any more interest than what you display, thus my biggest enemy is myself, for I love myself more than anyone else and I am not willing to sacrifice my own self-interest for other people, at least not in the long term. Or at least that’s what I’m trying to convince myself of, but I can go unexpected lengths for most anyone; even a stranger if they so much as ask, yet I can’t grow interested in others as I would wish to.

As you can probably tell, many of these issues are intertwined and create a chaos out of a simple situation. In conclusion, I don’t even know, you can go ahead and conclude whatever you want from this blog, but in reality, it’s just a place to try and make sense of my messy thoughts, and in the process become eloquent. I couldn’t really make much of this piece myself and if I’ve come to any conclusions it’s that I’m more confused than I was initially, but at least I could rant. And I will continue to do just that, so stay tuned for my next blog tomorrow.